How Not To…

Guys, I have some advice. And by guys I mean members of the male community. And hopefully this is advice I don’t need to be giving you.

I was with a friend yesterday when a guy similar in age to us decided to introduce himself. Well, I guess technically it was more of a continued conversation since my friend already knew this guy.

First impressions are so important and this guy already has something big working against him. He’s got a more feminine kind of voice. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that per se, as I have a really great friend who has a similar voice. Jae likes her men to be manly, so it’s going to be off-putting for me in the beginning. But as I said, since I have a friend with a similar issue, I’m a bit more open-minded than I used to be.


What does this guy have going for him? He’s normal-looking, which can always be upgraded to extremely attractive if coupled with a charming personality. He’s friendly. That’s a plus too. And he’s bothering to talk to girls, which for some reason in this age group is often scarce.

Then out comes the voice. Again, not necessarily a detriment. My friend knows this about himself and pushes past it. But this guy, he seems a bit clueless.

1. I live with my parents (and I’m over 30). There may be a really good excuse for this, but por favor, don’t mention this from the get-go when talking to girls. This is a huge strike against a guy because many girls will see this as an inability to cut apron strings and be a grown-up. It’s time to leave Mama’s nest. Probably a decade ago.

2. Because everything’s too expensive. Apartments may be pricey, but trust me when I say Utah is a place where roommates are not unusual. And I guess having lived in Tokyo where I was paying $650/month to split a tiny place with 2 other girls, I feel like the rent in Utah is practically free for a large palace in comparison. Also, continually emphasizing how you think certain things are so expensive puts one thought into a girl’s head: This guy is cheap.

I like a frugal guy. I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey and listen to his program whenever I get a chance. But there’s a vast difference between frugality and being tighter than bark on a tree. At the end of the day: don’t portray yourself as being Mr. Cheapskate.

3. I only make $1000 a month. Okay, now the ‘everything’s too expensive’ comment makes sense. Here’s the thing. You don’t have to be a millionaire. I know people who never went to college who are making a feasible living by now, rising through the ranks of their companies. The way he spoke about things, it sounded like he’s been making $1000 a month for a long stinking time, good or bad economy.

Here’s the other thing. Don’t mention how much you make, even if you are a millionaire. This is the introduction for crying out loud!

4. So… are you single? Yes, the follow up question to us both was our singleness. And sharing all of that honesty with us… I tend not to like the “are you single” question in the first place. I think if you spend enough time talking to a person, there’s a good chance you’ll find out whether or not they are. And all of that time you’re spending getting to know them can also be good rapport building time. Having been in sales earlier in my life, it’s sure a lot easier to make a sale if you’ve built up good rapport. The same applies for dating.


It’s important to be honest about yourself and your life situation, but with good measure. It’s like info-dumping in a story. We’re going to want to know all this stuff eventually, just not up front. The first few pages should be something that entices you to want to keep on reading.

Maybe there’s a girl who’d rather be the breadwinner and he can be a stay-at-home-dad or something. Or maybe he needs a girlfriend who can encourage him to get a better job or in a better place in his life. But much like an info dump can scare off potential readers, so can a life info dump scare off potential partners.

It’s interesting how much about life really relates to writing. I suppose that’s because what we do is write about lives.

What do you think? Have any first date or introduction horror stories? Guys, what would you say that girls should certainly avoid on intros or first dates?

10 thoughts on “How Not To…

  1. This was a funny post, Jae. So far as what girls should avoid on intros or first dates, most guys, by our nature, are pretty forgiving about any words that comes out of a girls mouth. Probably to our detriment… but, here are couple that come to mind:

    1. Don’t go on about an ex or exes. No one wants to hear about that…

    2. Don’t constantly judge other girls on how they act, or what they say, or what they wear. This might be a personal pet peeve, but have enough confidence to do your own thing and not worry about how someone else is living their life!

    Happy Monday!

  2. Ha ha! Poor guy. Hope he doesn’t follow your blog 🙂
    No one wants to hear someone’s life history on a first meeting/date. The warning signals are there – this guy/girl is more interested in themselves than you. No future in that. Also, someone talking to you but constantly looking over your shoulder, or around the room, or at your chest – not good. If you’re really interested in someone you’ll look into their eyes when you’re talking.

    • It’s a good point you make that they’re way more interested in themselves than you when they do that. I wondered if he thought honesty would be attractive in some weird way. Or he could have behavioral issues that keep him from realizing awkwardness in social situations. I’ve met more than a few social awkwardness impaired types.

      I highly doubt he follows the blog, but if he does, Dude, you’re blowing it. Stop. STOP! 😉

  3. I am glad you can bring dating back to info-dumping – Perhaps, like storytelling, you should work on a great introduction before getting into knowing the other person.

    I also recently had a guy friend post on Facebook, “You want to talk at least 90% of the time on the first date” – meaning have a conversation, not himself talking. Unfortunately, some people – of both genders – seem to miss the conversation part.

    • Yeah, I’ve been on too many dates where it was like attending a lecture. Needless to say there weren’t second dates out of those. 😉 But I agree, people need to focus on ‘conversing’ and not ‘lecturing.’

What are your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s